Inevitable conclusion...

So it only takes a moment to turn my confidence back around to 0. I thought I could be happy, I thought I could feel better... but it's not true. I invested a lot of my heart into things, into people who I thought could help me.. you can't help me. I don't want you to help me - I should have never wasted your time. You've only made me lonelier than before. I wanted you for so many selfish reasons.. reasons I can't seem to justify to myself anymore. Life is all the same...love is all the same. Yes I am bitter, yes I am hurting and yes this constant physical pain I suffer from day to day has helped push me into this train of thought. My body is exhausted, my mind - working in overdrive... my heart - couldn't care less anymore. I can't eat right, I can't sleep right and I can't even pretend to be happy - it's almost physically impossible. I technically get 8 hours sleep every night but I only seem to get more and more tired. I don't get to eat much - but when I do, it's not unhealthy. I exercise 2 times a day and I take vitamins to help prevent any deficiencies but nothings changing, nothings improving.

To heal my heart - I tried confiding in you... and many like you. But it all seems like a waste of time now, doesn't it? I want you to forget me now... I want you to stop caring and just leave. The thought of you fading away out of your own choice because you lost patience with me is far more hurtful than if I forced you to go away. So please, just leave - I don't want to cry. My tears ran dry 2 months ago - any pain since then, seems to have collected itself conveniently in the back of my mind - still there, but not causing a stir. You would lose faith in me eventually - just like him... just like others previously. There is only one way I see myself healed - and that is not possible at this time. Everything takes time... so I'm just going to have to keep waiting... waiting... waiting... waiting... this is how it is. And this is how it's going to be for a while.. .maybe a long while til I get out of it.. out of here.

Don't waste a thought on me.