If you're not my gf, then what's the point?

That's my choice saying for the year... It's been said to me two times by two different people and each time, it has ripped a hole in my heart.. what is it with guys? Are they really that insensitive... are they really that STUPID? Why do they want to hurt me? Why do they want to make things worse? Have I not paid my dues? Ok... let's back track a little... my weekend wasn't entirely a waste - Friday night, I went to a going away party/birthday party for one of my closest guy friends :( he went away to Japan and left us all behind *sniff sniff* Regardless, I know he's gonna have a wicked ass time there and I shall see him soon ^_^ HAVE FUN GEOFFREY!!!

Now Saturday night... last night - I had a friend's house warming. It was fine, he scored himself a nice little townhouse down the coast - very cosy. I'm kinda jealous haha. I met this girl there - who I instantly connected with. She was going through something very difficult with her bf of 9 years, so it was very easy to find something we could relate to... men are assholes. But you know - to be able to tell a complete stranger everything and to be able to console and be consoled by someone outside of your everyday life can be quite uplifting. The night ended when I had a coupla shots - went bright red, bloated and itchy in the face and stayed upstairs in my friend's room, waiting til it all subsided. It wasn't long before my other friend....my ex(who was dropping me home, and the brother of the host) left for home.

Now without wanting to spill all the beans, lets just say the trip home was fine - until a spur of the moment decision broke a promise and his justification was somewhere a long the lines of "it doesn't matter, you're not my girlfriend" ... does putting MY life at risk... not matter... does breaking MY heart... not matter... does scaring me half to DEATH... NOT MATTER? This person knows what he did was stupid - he knows the risks that were involved and if anything I can imagine how guilty and regretful he would be feeling right about now. But that really does say something about some guys out there doesn't it? Guys ONLY really care for you if they're getting something in return... your love, your affection. If not for that, you're not worth their time, you're not worth their EFFORTS... not worth it. It doesn't matter that they'd be hurting you... it doesn't matter that you did everything within your power to not hurt them.

Like I said, this isn't the first time this was said to me - I already knew long before that if I wasn't dating a guy, that I wouldn't be worth their efforts. This was made very clear to me. So you know what, boys? You're not worth MY time... you're not worth MY efforts. I don't give a shit about how you feel or what you feel about me. If it's pain you're going to bring me, then I have to let you go. I don't need anymore of that in my life. If i want to stay up all night in agony... I'll go pat my friends cat again. I don't feel regret... I don't feel guilty. This is MY life and I'm gonna do what I need to do to take care of myself... my heart.