Fallen

Imagine waking up one day and for no reason at all you couldn't feel ur legs... you try to make your way out of bed but you crash.. fall on your hands and knees and you're helpless. You try to drag yourself up but everything feels so heavy. You try to think of a reason why it happened - what did you do... what didn't you do? Why should anything be different today when all you did last night was live the same way as you did the night before... the week before... your whole life? No I didn't lose control of my legs... but the burden is all the same - and for no reason at all. The dark cloud is following me again.. just when I had reason to be happy. Why won't it leave me alone? I don't want to live my life in circles... I don't want to hide away just when I was coming out in to the sunshine again. I don't want to hurt the people I care about.... I especially don't want to hurt you, my love. So patient, so understanding... all you wanted to do was help me.. make me feel better. But I hated you... I felt hurt and blamed it on you and I was ready to make you suffer....... and you didn't even do anything wrong. But I was ready to hurt you... which of course would end up hurting me more... Why am I like this? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I enjoy hurting myself... maybe I'm that effed up that masochism has finally made it's way to my plate and I'm eating it up like the naive little girl I am.

What do I want? I figure either a million things or nothing... I want to be healed. I want to be happy. I want to stop hurting for no reason. I want my loved ones to stop having to worry about me... I want to stop making my mother cry, I want to stop driving my boyfriend nuts at work coz he's wondering whether I'm ok today. I wanna stop convincing myself to stay home and do nothing instead of going to work. I wanna stop having pains in my mouth. I wanna stop waking up with blood on my pillow. I wanna stop getting random headaches. I wanna stop putting on weight then losing it only to put it on again. I wanna stop eating junk food. I wanna stop making excuses not to work out... get my license... or anything else I make excuses for. I wanna stop being so damn impatient. I wanna stop complaining..... I wanna....... it'd be much easier if I just didn't want anything, wouldn't it? The easy way out... either work through it one by one... or just not want it.

I want to stop having to apologize.