Afraid

Why is it so hard for a girl to keep a promise to herself? When you take the plunge and find yourself hitting the ground hard - yet miraculously surviving, you walk away telling yourself "that was one of the most painful things I've ever lived through... I wont make it next time... I don't want another next time" so you vow to never let yourself become that vulnerable again - never let your guard down so much that you could trick yourself into climbing that tower for another dive. You manage to hold the fort for a few months or so - telling yourself: it's not for you, you don't need the thrill.... just keep it in the safe zone and even if it's boring, it's safe. Then eventually, it all fades away - you forget the reasons you were so guarded and before you know it you're standing on top of that tower again, with your toes dangling off the edge.

I guess that's just the cycle of life... we face the same obstacle with every decision we have to make - whether it's about work, money... love. We work hard, take each day as it turns and continue climbing that tower trying to reach higher ground... not knowing what will happen to us. The truth is, we all know the risks involved... we all know there's a chance you're gonna fall off the edge and risk another painful experience... so why do we do it? Why do we put ourselves out there? So we can enjoy the view for a few brief moments and hope that maybe we can stay up there for a little while longer? Or maybe because somewhere along the climb we managed to convince ourselves that we wont fall this time?... Or is it because we are in constant struggle to remind ourselves that we are in fact, alive and by taking these chances we hope to find some better purpose for our existence.

Either way, I've found myself at the top of the tower again... and it wasn't long ago I was scraping up my messy behinds on the pavement below. How did I get here so fast? Something tells me I wasn't paying attention... or maybe I took a shortcut that wasn't supposed to be for me... but irregardless of the fine details... I'm here. Prancing around, living the highs... and at times it's so exhilarating I'm not sure I'm really here... that I could be given such a beautiful chance so soon. But something last night hit me... I remember what it was like to fall... I remember all the pain... I remember how it almost destroyed me... and I realized how much I'm setting myself up right now. So I'm here sitting for a moment... staring at the ground while I'm perched up high, here above all I'm afraid to feel... thinking. Do I quit while I'm ahead? Is it going to last this time, or am I kidding myself again? A large part of me really wants to take that bungee chord and take the jump... at least that way I was ready for the fall... and even if I end up on the ground staring up at what could've been, I will survive coz of my safety chord... it'll still hurt, but I KNOW I'll survive it.

Would that make me a quitter? A wuss? Or should I just stay here and see where it takes me... maybe I'll get to enjoy the view forever... only having to face small slip ups along the way. I really don't know... I'm afraid. And thinking about the last 24 hours hasn't helped much either. I raised the stakes and I'm still not sure if that was a mistake or not. Of course from the way I see it... it should be a beautiful new beginning... a reassurance. But maybe I'm the only one feeling that way... I don't know. But it probably wont be long until I find out......