Winding road to recovery

I finally snapped yesterday.... for months and months it was all tearing me up inside and I couldn't even cry about it... eventhough it hurt so bad. You kinda end up having to force it all out when your misery turns into physical pain. I woke up and it was so strong and there was nothing I could do about it... so I opened the flood gates and out came the tears... for hours. I talked to my mum about how I was so confused with my life.. how I'm still lost and trying to find myself and I was afraid that they were going to start feeling like I'm wasting my life - I've come this far, and now I wanna stop and go a different way?  ... She is the most beautiful, understanding and selfless  person in my life... if she was any other way I probably wouldn't even be here. 

I've made a few decisions about myself... about where I wanna be... and tying myself down doesn't seem like an option. I really don't think I'm going to stay here next year... but if for some reason I do ... I'm definitely not gonna spend it working everyday.  There is something more for me out there but I just don't know it yet.  As for my constant heartache... which only a select few of you know about... I'm working on it. And I have some beautiful people helping me do that.  It's hard to change what I feel... and some part of me feels that it wont ever change... it wont ever go away.. but I can find a way to make it ok - to make it better. And I wanna be there in that place - where it's better.  I'm gonna lose a friend if I don't, and more than anything, I don't want to do that.. I never wanted that for us.  I miss you... but I understand.

So I'm slowly turning over this new leaf... it's a very slow process though... the leaf is fucking heavy... but I'm trying.  I started to literally shed some of my burdens away..... starting with my hair. Yes... most of it is gone and it hasn't been this short since.... I was a kid?  I feel lighter, I feel new and I guess I'll constantly keep looking for things that'll make me feel better and heck if that still doesn't work.... then hopefully the St John's Wort pills will kick in..............