Take that, rewind it back

I'm sinking back into old habits that took me months and months to get out of. As much as I despise doing so, my life always seems to go round in circles. Why? I guess coz I never truly let them go.. I never truly get it over and done with.. everything I have ever started and never finished, everything I have ever loved and hadn't gotten over, everything I ever wanted but never achieved - still lingers... I'm passionate about it, forget about it and a few months down the track I'm back at square one... or should I say - circle one :(

Even in my dreams, they haunt me - unfinished goals, unresolved feelings... it's driving me nuts!! I wake up with tears in my eyes coz my dreams have left me with all this emotional residue. The other morning I woke up cuddling a plush, a friend had given me a few months back - which I didn't even remember taking to bed with me! I was either engulfed in a state of delirium so thick that I didn't even notice my own arms carry the little thing to bed with me... or I some how managed to climb down off my bunk in the middle of the night, pick it up off the shelf and climb back up into bed with it... I can tell you I was so shocked the next morning - it was almost like the thing had come to life and found it's own way into my arms. As cute as it may have looked, it was a disturbing reminder of another thing I haven't let go of.

Last night was no better... my subconscious doesn't let me rest... why can't I make it go away? Why can't I seem to let it go? What do I have to do? Everything I try to pursue seems to run away from me and everything I try to let go - wont leave me alone!! Nothing ever feels right.. nothing ever feels enough - I was offered an opportunity at work - to try something new, something different - my boss wants me to assume the role of PA/admin/dispatch clerk/senior graphic artist - heck, I'm already doing all that stuff - but this time, he wants to hire another graphic artist to do my job so I can do all the other million things. I'd still be in charge of assisting the artwork department, but my primary aim would be administration works. It's a great opportunity to learn the ropes - plus I think he's going to send me to do a MYOB/book keeping course which I was going to do on my own later anyway........... More Work + More Money = Thara a happy panda, right? WRONG! I feel sad and empty like I've trapped myself >_< how do I free myself from... myself? Somebody tell me... now before I lose my mind.

ps. U SERIOUSLY STILL NOT TALKING TO ME?????