On the edge..

I'm not a little lost... I'm a lot lost.
I've made a lot of silly decisions in my life and as much as I'd like to believe they were selfless... I was in fact, kidding myself... they were all selfish.

Remember that post Afraid? It was about taking chances, and finding that reason we put ourselves through all the "pleasantries" of life and climbing that tower of faith even after we've just recently taken a hard fall the last time. It's been some time since I was on the floor, I climbed my way through a painstaking year of physical and mental traumas, medications and doctors... and found myself comfortable at the top... but think I'm ready to fall again....
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I'm falling

It takes a lot of courage to invest in someone and the risks are undoubtedly more hurtful than investing in say, real estate and then losing your money. I've invested in someone who I know, loves me very much... but the state they're in right now has left me floating in the middle of nothingness... so I'm falling. I don't know if I'll hit the ground, or if eventually I'll get thrown a life rope. So, like with everything else in my relationship, I've been asked to wait. Wait for better times. The problem is

I don't know if I can.

I love so strongly, so I hurt even deeper and I don't like being stuck in between the cracks. I feel like there's no amount of words I can say, or amount of hugs I can give to make it all better... to the happy times... to the times before we released our inner demons to eachother... maybe even... when we were just friends. He seemed happier with me back then - I was the saviour from ugly thoughts and emotions, but now I'm just a contributor. I wont deny, my ugly side is worse than his - only those really close will ever understand what I mean by this... so now it got me thinking.

What is better for us?

I know he loves me and would never want me to go. But if I really only make things worse in times when I should be the one thing that makes it better, then what am I supposed to do? I always felt like I was destined to be alone. I'm great at healing the wounded, but anything long term only ends with me adding new scars. My past relationships were wounded souls and for a while it seemed magical... I turned faithless hearts into hopeful dreamers... but it had to end... and both times, a little messy.

I don't want that for us now, I don't want a mess... he was my heart, my soul for a long time - even when my mind didn't realize, there was always a spot in my heart for him, just waiting. And he helped me climb that tower - he wasn't perfect and he had plenty of demons in his past and present, but we walked hand in hand right up to the top... and now he's turned his back on me... by refusing to let me be there for him, he has turned away from me... and made it pretty clear I only make things worse.

Why would you choose to be here if you knew you were doing that to someone you love?
You wouldn't...
So I jumped...
and I'm still falling...

and as I fall, all I have to do is decide if I want to wait for the life rope, or close my eyes and hit the ground.